Letting Go
by onthefives
Summary: An Olitz One Shot. Olivia struggles with taking the next steps in her relationship with Fitz. Will Fitz be able to convince her to give in.


They'd been seeing each other for a number of years before he made it to the White House. Clandestine meetings, private dinners, and outings, all aided by his security staff. Now he was no longer the governor of California, but President of the United States, and getting access to him wasn't easy. I wanted to wait until his 100 days were up but now that it was here I thought it best to wait a bit longer. Maybe, at the nine-month mark we could pick up where we left off. I wanted him to accomplish so much more in the early stages of his presidency and I was afraid that my presence would be a distraction. But, I missed him. We hadn't seen each other in over twelve long months and I missed him, so much.

"When do you want me to make the announcement about our relationship," he asked. "Do you want me to draft something or do you want to do it? The kids miss you and so do my parents."

"Umm, I was thinking, how about if we wait. You finally got your Fair Pay Act passed and the one on infrastructure is now on the table. I think it would be best to wait, maybe a few more months."

There was silence on the line. But I could hear the sharp breaths as he deeply inhaled.

"Fitz!"

"Fitz!"

Silence.

For a few minutes nothing was said by him, or me. I could feel my heart thumping as I waited for him to answer. I knew he wouldn't be happy with my idea. I had hinted once before about waiting, and then like now, there was silence, followed by anger.

"Fitz, I know...umm, I'm trying … I want so much for you ... I love you and I just want you to have as much success as possible in the early stages of your presidency" I murmured, hoping my explanation would quell his anger.

"Fitz!"

He sighed deeply. " I've counted down the days. Walked around with a calendar in my brain. Each day, I get more excited, nervous, hopeful, who am I kidding, even tearful, waiting for you to be with me, to love you in all the ways I know how, to show you how important you are to me. I've held on to the dream. Now that we're here and the date has arrived you want to wait. Do you even want this, Olivia," he said angrily. "Do you even want any of this? With me? Is there someone else? Or were you never in this to begin with?"

I'm taken aback by his words. "First of all," I spit out the words, "I am not seeing anyone. And to ask me if I want this," I said with my voice rising. "We've been in this a long time, Fitz, so how can you ask me if I don't want this. I miss you just as much as you miss me. I want to be with you but I care about your legacy, your future! I don't want you or your children, or your family to be hurt because of our relationship."

"I don't care about legacy, he shouted. What the hell is legacy worth if it means I'm unhappy, we're apart. What Olivia?

I looked around the office and saw by the clock on the wall that we'd been on this call for less than an hour, yet it felt like so much more time had gone by. This is not how I envisioned the brief moments we shared each day.

"Fitz," I said softly. "I don't want you to be unhappy. I would never want that for you, for us. Please listen to me," I begged. "I'm just looking out for your best interest–"

"My best interest..." the deep baritone voice boomed into my earpiece.

"Fitz, look, before you go any further... I love you and I guess I should have phrased those words differently but should I not care about your future, your career. I want you to be a great President. I want you to achieve as many goals in that great big house even when others push back. So yeah, you know what" I huffed, "I want what is in your best interest."

"Olivia, " his timbered voice resonated, "there is more to life than career and achievements. What is the point of great things if at the end I'm alone. I want to love, and be loved. To have that love drive my actions. I want to get up in the morning happy, and take that with me into the Oval. Carry it into that bubble...that place that already feels like a prison. It needs love. Call me foolish but it's love I want, nothing less. Don't you think I'll have the same pushback from Congress whether I have someone by my side or not. It will be the same Olivia! I want someone that I can come to when things are difficult. And even on the lazy days when I feel like doing nothing, absolutely nothing, I want to share those moments with you. I want you! How do I do that Livvie, when you're not here?"

My heart is heavy because of his words. I've never known any love like his. Since the first day we met I've been madly in love with him, yet afraid. I don't know how to let go. How do I, Olivia Pope, let go. It would mean losing control, and I don't want that, but I want love. I want to hold on to what we have and bury it in my soul. I don't ever want to lose it. But oh...control, love. Love, control. I'm trying, really trying to find a way to be free but I don't want to be hurt... not again. I want to scream, why is it so difficult. Why couldn't it be simple. Aah!

"I love you, Fitz, and I want to be with you. But… but I don't know. I have to think about this, about us. I want to be with you but I don't want everyone in our business. It's not that I don't want to make our relationship public, it's just that the moment we do, it won't just be us anymore."

"Olivia, it will always be us. When we close that door, when we're in our private place, wherever that may be, it's just the two of us. In those moments we recharge, we share, and show our love. It's only us. Don't bring others into our love because you're afraid. To be honest I am too but I can't let that stop me from being happy. Do you understand!"

"You're the only women I've loved since my wife died. I want you. No one else. I can't shower you with love if you're over there and I'm here, can I," he says softly.

I could hear the clock ticking... making me feel hurried. I felt as if my entire being was in a battle. I wished to say yes but I'm struggling with letting go.

"Fitz," I sighed, "I need you to help me get there. This is hard. And I'm afraid," I said, fighting back tears.

"Hey, hey, our love is a happy occasion," his cheerful voice challenging my somber tone. "We've made this work when I was governor and we can make this work now. How about if you and I schedule a date. Huh? I have agents I trust. We can make this happen. How about dinner in a week. I plan it and you can tell me if you agree. I won't mention it to secret service until you sign off on the details. Hmm?

"Dinner would be nice. I so miss having dinner with you."

"Well, we can have dinner as many times as you like until you're ready to take the next steps. Yeah?"

"Yeah. Mmhmm, I'd really like that," I giggled. "Will there be wine at this dinner?"

"Uhh, am I not the man that knows you," he snickered.

His snickering makes me giddy, ooh, so excited.

"Well, if there's wine I guess I can make an effort to grace you with my presence."

His booming laugh fills the room. It makes me smile so much. I feel as if all of my being is tingling, overwhelmed by his love.

"Livvie, I love you. I know this isn't easy but I just want you to try. Please... For us."

"I will... I am.

Fitz?

"Hmm?

"You know there is no one, right?"

"I'm glad to hear that." I didn't think so, but I needed you to tell me. I'm in here, I don't know what's happening out there."

"Okay."

"I can't wait to see you, Livvie. I can't wait to touch you."

"Me too."

"Can I tell you something," he said in a whisper.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I haven't had any wine since I've been here. You know I love my scotch but there have been occasions when there's been wine at dinners but I haven't drank any. I want my first sip of wine in this house to be with you."

His words bring tears to my eyes. This man, this President... God, how I love him. I'm at a loss for words so I say okay. It's all I have.

"Okay, that's it?" he questioned.

" Yeah," I say, swallowing the sobs that want to escape my lips.

"Oh, Livvie, I didn't say this to make you cry."

His voice is thick with emotion which burns my chest and makes me ache for him. Whoever said that phones connect people when they're apart, they lied! My heart wants what it wants and right now this instrument is useless.

We remain quiet for a while. Words are not enough. I can hear his breathing and it comforts me.

Finally, I tell him that I'm so looking forward to our first dinner. And I mean it. My heart is beating fast and I feel as if I can't breathe. I'm nervous, but oh, I can't wait for the day to arrive.

"Fitz," I say, "as soon as you can, please send me the dinner plans." "I'm ready to move forward," I say boldly, "I want to see you, I want to be touched."

"Liv," I love you. I absolutely love you."

"I love you too, I say longingly. I have to go but let's talk later on."

"Hmm. Bye."

"Bye, Mr. President."


End file.
